I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
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