She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
