How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
When did angry sex become our thing?
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
Randomize
