I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
Still dying that you shit outside
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
