meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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