literally had 100 drinks last night.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Randomize