I heard we made out
cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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