I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Randomize
