I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
idk what id do withouhrh yoy btro
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
Randomize
