Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
I feel like abortions should bother me more
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
Randomize
