he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
Randomize
