i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
He's a collector of sorts
Any cool stuff?
You should see the collection of booggers in the carpet next to his desk
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Randomize
