I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Randomize
