My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Randomize
