He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
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