he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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