Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
Randomize
