why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
Randomize
