I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
Randomize
