everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
