woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
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I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
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MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
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