OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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