Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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