God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
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