i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
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