It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
Randomize