1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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