i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
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