Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
Randomize
