Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
