he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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