Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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