thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Randomize
