hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
Randomize
