ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
Randomize