I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
