Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
Randomize
