I must be too annoying 4 u.
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
Randomize
