I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
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