i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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