well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
