go do what you do best...puke behind churches
I think I won the penis lottery.
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Randomize
