The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
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