Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
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