this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Randomize
