It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
