Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
nothing this campus sells is worth it. not even sex.
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
