i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
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