My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
