I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
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