i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
Randomize
