Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
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