i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
