my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
Randomize
