I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
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