she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
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