I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
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then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
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I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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